♪ [hard rock music] ♪ Phelous: What if there was a movie about a ghost ship? IT’D BE CALLED “GHOST SHIP”!!! (falsetto): Let’s take a look at it! ♪ [romantic film music (???)] ♪ Ghost Ship! Awwww! ♥ This lovely tale starts with twits dancing around on a boat. Except this girl. She’s bored. Oh, no! So this guy dances the night away with her. [creaking] [TWANG!] [BOING!] [crash] [POINK!] [POINK-POINK-POINK-POINK-POINK!] [POINK-POINK-POINK!] [POINK!] [BOING!] Except the night got CUT a little SHORT!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! Yeah, this is the best part of the whole movie. (as British gentleman): Wait a second, I do believe I’ve been chopped in half. ♪ [jaunty dixieland music] ♪ (as someone who was half the woman she used to be): Come here, this is fixable… ♪ [dixieland music continues] ♪ (normal): And why was this the only guy hit so high up? He’s in the middle of the dance floor, but it seems like EVERYONE ELSE got hit in the midsection. ♪ [more dixieland music] ♪ [screams] So I guess it did that so it wouldn’t hit the little girl, ‘cuz she’s important! [imitates whooshing wire] [imitates squeaking] [concludes whoosh] Anyway, after that, we get introduced to the main heroes forty years later. Captain Murphy: Well, here’s to the best damn salvage crew in the business! Jack Ferriman (played by Desmond Harrington from Dexter): Hi, Mr. Murphy? I came across this. Maureen Epps: Congratulations. You found a boat! In the middle of the ocean! Of all places… Phelous: AHAHAHA! Let’s be idiots before hearing the whole story! Oh-ho! We’re the BEST! Detective Quinn actually explains, though, that through his investigations, he found out it’s a derelict in international waters. Munder: What do you think a ship like that could be worth? Phelous: Oh, look! It’s Dr. McCoy-Éomer! Ah? Ah? Fine, it’s Karl Urban. So they decide it’s worth going after that boat, but Quinn demands they take him, too. And they’re off! Because they’re the best! ♪ [blaring metal music] ♪ Santos: Shhhhhit! [cartoony skidding] [slide whistle] [thud] [cartoony fleeing sound effects] [BONG!] [cartoony swipe] They’re the best! Capt. Murphy: The Antonia Graza. She was reported missing on the 21st of May 1962 off the coast of Labrador. Funny thing is, there was no distress signal. No contact, she just disappeared, she was gone. Under the law of the sea, she’s ours. Phelous (nasally voiced): Yay, legal pirating! Murphy: She’s still a beaut, eh? Epps (acting poorly): Unbelievable! Phelous (as Epps): Unbelievable! It must be so… amazing! To go there! Phelous: Well, no wonder! You’ve been sitting around on this boat for 40 Years! And you thought you were bored before! Murphy: Watch your step. Forty years of rust can turn deck plates into quicksand. [creak]
Munder: AAAAHHH!!!! [clatter] Phelous: They’re the best!! [screaming] Oh, a girl. Ehhh, that’s not worth mentioning. Murphy: Are you okay? Epps: Yeah. Murphy: Sure? Phelous (as Epps): I can’t tell you, my longtime friend who I’m really close to! Ferriman: You okay? You seem quiet since you came back. Epps: I think I saw a little girl. Phelous (still as Epps): I can only tell the stranger I just met the other day! Santos: Well, you think our little tug is gonna pull this entire ocean liner? Murphy: Yeah. Phelous: Yeah? Enrico from Resident Evil: Yeah? Phelous: Yeah. Murphy: Yeah. ♪ [ominous crescendo leading to…..] ♪ […..absolutely nothing!] Phelous: [forced laughter] That was pointless. Epps: There’s a breach in the hull, about 10×20. Torn to the port collision bulkhead. Ferriman: Did it hit an iceberg or something? [salvage crew laughs] Murphy: No, you don’t need an iceberg to rupture a hull. Ferriman: I don’t know… Phelous: Ha ha ha! We mock you for your lack of knowledge on boats, you Non-Boat Guy! So they plan to fix the breach and haul it away. Santos: Murph, with the gear we got on board….. I can’t fix our little engine problem. Murphy: Why don’t you quit bitching and just overhaul the starboard engine, please? Santos: That’s the plan, alright. Murphy: Just do it. Phelous (as Santos): That’s not gonna work! (as Murphy): Just do it! (as Santos): Okay, it’ll work now. Greer: I’ll call in. Murphy: We just don’t want any unexpected guests. Just leave it. Santos: I mean, what these people talking crazy for? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s not even good English! [slapped by a ghost…. I guess…..] [stumbles back] [sniffs] Oh, still sweet, though. […your guess is as good as Phelous’s] Barry Burton from Resident Evil: WHAT?! What IS this?? Harry Mason from Silent Hill: Have you seen a little girl? Just turned seven last month. [cartoony swipe] [BONK!] Phelous (as Greer): Jeez, that’s a long drop. Sure hope I don’t fall down there later! HA HA HA HA! Like THAT will happen! (normal): Anyway, the pool sucks up the blood, and– Wow. Seriously? Was there any reason for that blood to be bad CGI? You couldn’t just shoot liquid out of a hole? Anyway, that obviously makes it a Blood Pool Sandwich! Epps: I might need your help shutting it again, so get ready. Ferriman: Are you sure we need–? [squeak] [water rushes in] Han Solo: The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea! What an incredible smell you’ve discovered! Phelous: What have I been tellin’ ya? They’re the BEST!!! Ferriman: How long do you think they’ve been here?? Epps: I don’t know! A month, maybe less! Luke Skywalker: There’s something alive in here! [rats squeaking] Ferriman: Look at this. Phelous: Sweet! Nice pyrite! Greer: “Francesca”. Nice titties. Not that though… you can hold a candle to the future Mrs. Greer, though. Phelous (as Francesca’s ghost): How DARE you?! Suck my TITS!!!!! Ferriman: ’58 Jaguar X[K]150. I’ve had dreams about this car since I was a kid! Epps: We have to get out of here now. Do you understand me? Now! Phelous: Okay, why is that car there? (increasingly dopey-voiced): Is it a Ghost Car? On a Ghost Ship? Ferriman: Don’t go in there. Phelous (as Epps): [sigh] Well now I HAVE to! [Munder and Dodge screaming like dumbasses] [Munder and Dodge laughing at their stupid prank] Epps: FUCK you!! You want to hear something funnier? We just found a bunch of dead guys floating in the laundry room! And THIS… in the cargo hold! [slam] Phelous: Well the GOLD does seem like something to laugh about… [laughing with joy] Apparently, they agree. Even SHE does, so I don’t know why it made her angry before. Guess she just hadn’t talked for a while. Murphy: We leave the boat, take the gold. Who’s with me? Santos: I’m with the gold, man. Munder: Gold. Ferriman: The boat. Phelous: Fuck the gold! I’m with the BOAT! Like any of them will say that. Shut the hell up, Ghost Ship! But a ghost turns the propane on. UH-OH! Oh, and the little girl tries to warn them, because she was obviously good this whole time. [explosion] [splash] [another explosion] Epps: Santos!! SANTOS!!!
♪ [Metal Gear Solid’s Game Over music] ♪ ♪ [Metal Gear Solid’s Game Over music] ♪ SANTOS!!!
♪ [Metal Gear Solid’s Game Over music] ♪ ♪ [Metal Gear Solid’s Game Over music] ♪ Dodge: Did you find anything out about this ship before you sent us out here? Phelous: What? He’s blaming lack of research on this boat for their ship blowing up? I assume he just wants to be an ass right now! Ferriman: Look, Santos came out here out of his own free will, just like the rest of– Dodge: What does that mean, huh?! HUH?!?! The FUCK do you mean?!?! Epps: ENOUGH! Dodge: Santos is dead because of you! Phelous (slurring like he’s drunk): Heh heh heh, I TOLD you….. Greer: Had Murphy let me do it my way from the start, we wouldn’t even be in this situation right now. And the Coast Guard everybody’s so fucking worried about– Munder: So it’s everybody’s fault but your own, right? Greer: We’ll be on our way home! Munder: Grow up, asshole. [punch] Phelous: They’re the best!! When they lose part of the team, they all pull together and try to kill each other! And the Captain decides to lead by example….. and gets drunk. Epps: Here it is: “Katie”. B-deck. Phelous: Yes. “Katie”. There’s no way that CAN’T be her! Greer: Should’ve called it in. DAMN!!!!! Phelous: If I’d called it in, the boat wouldn’t have blown up! DAMN it!! ♪ [creepy music] ♪ Munder: It’s good! Campbell’s Soup jingle: ♪ Mmm! Mmm! Good!® ♪ Phelous: Aged for Flavor! Oh, it was that Joke Food that turns Into maggots after a couple bites. That stuff is so funny! ♪ Let’s do the Time Warp again! ♪ ♪ If we really have to… ♪ (increasingly depressed): ♪ Let’s do the Time Warp again….. ♪ [applause] Pfft. It wasn’t THAT good. ♪ [slow piano and violin music] ♪ Francesca: [speaking French] Greer: I know all of this isn’t real… ♫ ♫ So, well….. I’m just gonna go with it, okay? ♫ ♫ Katie: Please.
Epps: [gasp!] Phelous: Oh, and Little Ghost Girl decides to show up and chat it up. Guess she’s tired of the “Mysterious Staring” appearances. Epps: You should have this back. Phelous: Right! The ghosts can’t interact with physical objects. Except for turning propane on… kissing….. walking on the floor… and sitting on beds! Oh, and handing books! Katie: We’re all trapped here. When the boat’s full, we’ll all be ferried. [panicking] [wet, organic creeping sounds] Epps: What’s wrong?
Katie: He doesn’t want me talking to you! Epps: “He” who? Katie: But I’m not like the others!! Phelous: So she was good all along! Some advanced warning might have been helpful instead of random staring, you stupid little twit! ♪ [more creepy music] ♪ ♪ [rising crescendo] ♪ Greer: NOOOOO!!! [cartoony swipe] AAAAAHHHHH!!! [BONK!] Francesca: [speaking French] Phelous: That whole thing was a set-up to make him fall down there. That spot where he’d looked down would’ve been easy to push him down before. Oh, except that she can’t touch him… except that she can. Murphy gets tricked into seeing Epps as the dead Santos and tries to kill her, and gets thrown into the drunk tank. Literally! Munder: What’s with the heart? Epps: Belonged to this little girl.
Munder: What girl? Epps: She told me to get off this boat. We stick with the plan. Fix the boat. Phelous: Seriously, you think I’m gonna listen to some stupid ghost? The hell do they know? They’re already dead! Munder: Son of a bitch! We may just get out of this yet. Epps: I’m gonna see if I can find Greer down below. Phelous: Oh yeah, him. (as Katie): I’m back to doing the staring again! (normal): Oh! You didn’t survive that fall. How surprising. Munder: Shit!
Dodge: Number two’s clogged! Who’s goin’? Munder: You’ll go! Karl Urban as Dr. McCoy: Dammit man, I’m a doctor, not a physicist! Phelous: So Katie decides to show Epps the whole story NOW, ‘cuz doing it earlier would’ve spoiled the whole movie. ♪ [unfitting, yet funky, hip-hop beat] ♪ Phelous: [wheezing laugh] “Oooh, I hate to see myself scream!” Could they make this any sillier? They’ve already scored this so silly, I don’t think there’s any way I could do it worse! …Or IS there?? No, there isn’t. ♪ [The Lonely Island’s “I’m on a Boat” sped up to avoid YouTube’s overzealous copyright bots] ♪ So yeah, everyone apparently kept killing each other. (dramatic voice): For the gold! ♪ [return of the unfitting hip-hop beat] ♪ Well, that was a pretty elaborate set-up. As was the line cutting people above! Which I don’t know how Singer Girl avoided, since she was apparently singing up to the point it happened! Anyway, the last guy has a different motive than gold: Giving her the mark! Dahlia from Silent Hill: The mark of Samael! Phelous: And it was Detective Quinn all along! Epps (breathlessly): Murphy! Phelous: Oh, come on, like she really told you in time to save a single one of them. He’s dead. Just like that. Amazing. Epps: But I want you and Dodge to stay on the rudder here. Dodge: Wait, but you just said– Epps: Dodge, listen to me. I do not want you two out of each other’s sight. Take this. Phelous: Yes, I’m sure Dodge babysitting Dr. Evil will turn out great! Feriman: I’m gonna go check on Epps. Dodge: No, you’re not. She said to wait here. Ferriman: You’re a pathetic excuse for a man. Resident Evil intro song: I got a shotgun! [shotgun blasts]
[girl screams] ♪ [“You can’t kill a ghost!” chord] ♪ Phelous: Shotguns don’t seem to be working very well lately. Epps: Trip’s over. I’m sinking the boat. Dodge: What about the gold? Epps: We’re not getting the gold off this boat; nobody ever does! Dodge: Alright… ALRIGHT!! [splash] Fuckin’ BITCH!!! [high-pitched metallic clanking] Alright, you win! Go ahead, do it! Go ahead!! Blow it up!!! [explosion] Phelous: Okay, sorry, that doesn’t happen. …’til a few more minutes. Of course, Dodge reveals that he’s really Megatron! [Transformers’ transforming sounds] Ferriman: Dodge made the same mistake. He’s dead! Phelous (in mock shock): Ohh, I’m SO surprised!! Epps: What the fuck are you? Ferriman: I’m a salvager, just like you. You collect ships… I collect souls. Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat: Your soul is mine! [Oh, I get it! Ferriman’s a FERRY-Man!] Phelous: [breaks down laughing] MANAGEMENT!!! [laughing wildly] Management!!! [insane laughter] Management! Ha ha… I guess I forgot how lucrative the SOUL Business was! [giggling madly] Ferriman the Ferryman: See, it’s a job. Phelous (as Ferriman): I looked through the ads for other jobs, but this was the only one I was qualified for. And it still took me 40 years to get it done. Ferriman: What’re ya gonna do, SHOOT me?! [explosion for reals this time] [screaming] Phelous: And all the souls are free, and of course, the exploding ship was no match for Epps! She swims away and gets picked up and taken into an ambulance, and everything is just fine. Yes, ‘cuz when these things keep running after the climax, NOTHING BAD happens, right? Yes, of course she sees Quinn apparently getting ready to kill everyone on a new boat. (unimpressed): Oh, no. Oh, no, she’ll only have 40+ years to stop them! Pfft! Ghost Ship Is just an extremely underwhelming ride to Weak-Ass-Plot-Ville. And while this movie didn’t shy away from any gore, it’s kind of weird that almost every death of a main character happens off-screen! Making them all very anticlimactic. You really get the feeling something more was meant to be going on here, but of course, nothing ever does. This makes a lot of sense when you find out the movie was originally intended to be more of a psychological thriller, but they pulled the old bait-and-switch, and apparently disappointed the whole cast when they found out the crap they’d ACTUALLY be starring in! There was a plot here. It’s gone now! Instead, all we were left with is Soul Businessman! Which reminds me: why did he see that car? What was the point in that? “I’m behind this whole thing! Hey, look at this car I like!” Goodbye, Ghost Ship. May you sail off to the Shit Sea from whence you came. Pffh. Now you’re probably thinking all that’s left is for me to die. Well nope, not this time, and no, I’m not even gonna do that “Oh, I’m ending the show” and THEN die! Know why? (sinisterly): Because I’m already dead! [evil laughter] I’ve been marked! And by watching this silly review, I will now FeardotCom.com your soul… to the D1!! [evil laughter] This is Phelous D1 signing out! Sad Panda: ♪ I don’t like this movie ♪ ♪ It doesn’t look too friendly ♪ ♪ These monsters seem so fake ♪ ♪ My nerves are gonna break ♪ ♪ Phelous, don’t let me down ♪ ♪ You need to be a-round ♪ ♪ Grab that running 1-up ♪ ♪ and blast that thing a new one ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ This movie… ♪ ♪ looks shitty ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Phelous, oh Phelous ♪ ♪ Bring on Mortal Komedy ♪ ♪ Oh Phelous, oh Phelous ♪ ♪ And some more horror movies ♪ ♪ Oh Phelous, oh Phelous ♪ ♪ I don’t care ’bout how you sound ♪ ♪ Oh Phelous, oh Phelous ♪ ♪ What’s your opinion about? ♪♪ Phelous D1: Because I’m already dead! [not-quite-evil laughter] [takes breath] [maniacal laughter] (laughing): I forget the line! [maniacal laughter]