If You Don’t Know, Now You Know: Russia & China | The Daily Show
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If You Don’t Know, Now You Know: Russia & China | The Daily Show

December 7, 2019


Russia. For decades, the Soviet superpower has been
America’s number one rival. There was
the Cuban Missile Crisis, meddling in the 2016 elections, and on Twitter,
they challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA fight,
and nobody can figure out why. And just when we thought Russia’s antics couldn’t get
any crazier, a few days ago, they pulled
this move on the high seas. We begin this evening
with a dangerously close call on the high seas
between a Russian destroyer and a U.S. warship. Those ships coming
within feet of one another, forcing the Americans
to take drastic action to avoid a disastrous collision. MAN 2: This image capturing
just how close the ships came
to a catastrophic collision. As little as 50 feet,
according to the U.S. Navy. This video from the deck
of the U.S.S. Chancellorsville showing the Russian destroyer
was so close, you could see Russian sailors
sunbathing on the deck. -(laughter)
-Sweet lord. (laughter) Russians are hardcore. You realize these ships are
about to crash into each other. American soldiers are like,
“Prepare for breach!” And the Russian soldiers
are like, “Dmitri, take off your shirt.” (laughter) “Let’s get suntan
before we die, yeah. Don’t want to meet Jesus
as pasty bitch.” (laughter) But this is pretty crazy, man. This is pretty crazy. A Russian warship
basically tried to ram into an American ship
in the middle of the ocean. All right,
and let’s be honest. That had to be on purpose. What other excuse is there? Do you know
how big the ocean is? You have to really
go out of your way to collide with someone. It’s like walking into someone
at Ted Cruz’s birthday party. There’s no one else there. You did you it on purpose. (laughter) Now the question is,
the question is, where would Russia get the balls to play chicken
against America in the Pacific? Well, maybe
it’s because they’ve got a new and powerful BFF. MAN: Just as President Trump
was meeting with America’s most important
allies in Europe, two of America’s
biggest adversaries were holding court in Moscow. It was a split screen
tailor-made by Russian president
Vladimir Putin. Putin hosted
Chinese president Xi Jinping. Xi calling Putin his
“best and bosom friend,” saying he cherished
their deep friendship. MAN 2: The two enjoying
a leisurely boat ride in St. Petersburg yesterday. That’s right. Xi and Putin
have gotten so close, they’re even taking boat rides
together. And not just a normal boat ride. Putin even helped Xi recreate
that scene from Titanic. He was like, “Yeah.
I’m king of the world! No. really.
China’s taking over the world!” So it’s clear, China and Russia
are really hitting it off, because you only take
a boat ride with someone if you really, really like them,
or if they’re enslaving you. But this is “liking.” Oh, and if… if you think Putin giving Xi a boat ride
is impressive, wait until you see
what Xi gave Putin in return. The leader’s visit also includes
some panda diplomacy. MAN:
During their summit, Putin and Xi showed off
their friendship with a visit to the Moscow Zoo,
where they welcomed two new Chinese pandas,
a gift from Xi to Russia. MAN: I mean, China likes you,
one of the signs of that, -you know…
-WOMAN: Alliance? MAN: …good-good alliance
and good feelings is to present you with a panda.
Russia got two. That’s right.
China gave not one, but two pandas to Russia. Which is huge. Yeah. ‘Cause one panda
can’t make babies. Two pandas also can’t,
but there’s hope. -(laughter)
-And remember, China only gives pandas
to countries when they wish to be
close allies with them, right? They actually call it
“Panda Diplomacy.” This is a real thing.
Panda Diplomacy. Not to be confused
with Panda Express Diplomacy, where I convince them
to let me use the bathroom even though
I didn’t buy anything. And technically–
this is interesting– technically, China didn’t give
Russia the pandas, right? The Russians just get to keep
the pandas for a few years. Yes. Which, by the way, applies
to every panda in the world. Yeah. China owns
every single panda at the world. So at some point
they have to go home. And I guess it’s because China doesn’t want the pandas
forgetting their Chinese roots. Imagine if you let a panda stay
in New Jersey for too long, huh? Yeah. Then when the panda
gets back to China, he’s like, “‘Ey, what the
(bleep) is this bamboo? ‘Ey! “How about some gabagool
or a nice fettuccine? Marone!” Anyway, I could talk
about pandas all day, but the point is, China and
Russia are getting super close, and the consequences for America
go beyond boat rides and cute bears. NEWSMAN: While Russia and China
continue to strengthen their economic ties,
they’re also expanding their military cooperation. Chinese troops taking part
in massive drills with Russian forces last year. The level of cooperation
between Russia and China has not been this high
since the mid-1950s. They are combining forces
against us. NEWSMAN:
They say Russia and China can coordinate cyberattacks and military moves that can
knock U.S. forces off balance. Oh, man.
China and Russia teaming up against the United States? I mean, America could probably
handle China… or Russia, but not both at the same time. Like, imagine if in Rocky IV,
Ivan Drago was fighting, and then Jackie Chan jumped
in the ring to help him. Huh? That would be
the end of Rocky. It would be done.
There’d be no Rocky V, no Rocky Balboa, no Rocky Goes to Space, no Rocky
and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and definitely
no 50 Shades of Rocky. -None of those movies.
-(laughter) Now, beyond geopolitics, the personal elements
of this bromance is probably something
that’s gonna bug Donald Trump. Because, don’t forget, he wants
to be a part of this club. He loves those dudes. We know how much
he admires Putin. He talks all the time
about he and Xi Jinping (like Trump):
are great friends. So to see his two besties
make plans without him, that’s… that’s got to hurt. Yeah. And I don’t think that
he’s dealing with his feelings in the most mature way. NEWSMAN: U.S. President
Donald Trump is threatening new tariffs on another
$300 billion in Chinese goods. This if President Xi Jinping
doesn’t meet with him at the upcoming G20 Summit. -Wow. Really, Trump?
-(laughter) He’s gonna put tariffs on China if Xi doesn’t
“hang out” with him? That is so childish. (like Trump): If you
don’t come over to my house and play video games,
then tariffs. And I get to be player one
the whole time. And what is it
with Trump using tariffs in every legal situation? Have you guys noticed this?
In every situation, Trump is using
tariffs now, right? Illegal immigration.
Tariffs on Mexico. Xi Jinping won’t have
a playdate? Tariffs on China. Melania won’t hold his hand
in public. Tariffs on Slovakia! (like Melania): But, Donald,
I am from Slovenia. (like Trump): I don’t care!
Pronounce it any way, -still tariffs.
-(laughter) So look, it’s clear
what’s happening here. President Trump… you’re feeling neglected
by President Xi. But instead of lashing out, why don’t you work
on your relationship, man? You know? Forget tariffs.
Maybe talk to Xi. Tell him how you’re feeling. And if that doesn’t work, try
and spice things up, you know? Yeah. Dress up as something
you know China’s really into. -Yeah.
-(laughter) Who could resist?

95 Comments

  • Reply Jon Obester October 10, 2019 at 5:11 am

    Had the identical thing happen on my ship. 1983. Middle of the Pacific. International waters. The Rules of the Road state that the overtaking vessel is the give-way vessel, or the burdened vessel. Here comes this little Chinese tin can warship off our starboard side and passed in front of us so close you could have practically touched that ship. Closer than this incident. WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE IDIOTS?? We were the stand-on vessel and that is exactly what we did, almost to our own demise. Fuckem. A United States ship would NEVER play those games.

  • Reply fiona October 11, 2019 at 1:10 am

    i love how giving pandas is a great show of friendship for china lmao

  • Reply 张三丰 October 11, 2019 at 6:59 am

    美国黑人最大的特点就是不喜欢学习历史 喜欢用金链子和丰乳肥臀迷惑自己是美利坚的优等人 忘记了几百年前的黑人是如何来到美洲 忘记了有多少黑人死在了运奴船和种植园里 忘记直到现在的一直以来是如何被白人虐待和歧视的 对他们来说 这些都不重要 有钱有女人就好了 这就让他们能安慰自己过去的已经过去了 现在似乎也是高人一等的美国人了 可是黑人永远不可能在统治阶层有话语权 奥巴马也只不过是白人精英集团的傀儡 更多的是象征性意义的玩偶 白人统治阶层只要给黑人一点糖吃 就能很好的维稳 这就是黑人的奴性所决定的 这也是为什么世界上的黑人民族国家没有一个能走向强大 非洲依旧四分五裂的原因 真是让人可笑又觉得可怜

  • Reply 扶她重口大触手 October 11, 2019 at 1:18 pm

    看到封面进来但是听不懂英语。。。

  • Reply 王訊垣 October 11, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    很抱歉我看不懂英文,但是我很赞赏这位主持人!

  • Reply Kia B October 12, 2019 at 3:03 am

    The funny thing in in 2012 i had a vision of America being invaded. ChicagoMilwaukee was blown off the map, fl/ga/ny was destroyed. Russia and North Korea were bombing this country. There were Asians killing citizens in this country. I told people and they said it was a crazy dream, but none of my visions have failed. Back in 2006 i had a vision of a great earthquake it was felt all over. This was just before the earthquake in Japan. I had a vision in 2015 (reoccurring) about a tsunami bombarding thr east coast ny, new Jersey was the worst hit and ga and Florida was flooding. This just 3 days before it happened. So i expect this war to be a real thing and with this orange as a president i finally understand how it happenes

  • Reply Vincent Wang October 12, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    You really laugh my ass off ,from a Chinese

  • Reply Levis. H October 12, 2019 at 10:32 pm

    so basically China and Russia are teaming up togheter to fight back against the USA and this fool Trevor finds a way to still bash Trump?
    sorry kid but last time I checked China and Russia were getting along well even during the Obama presidency. and what did Obama do? NOTHING.
    what did Obama do about the Ukraine-Russia conflict?
    NOTHING.

    and he also says tarrifs on China or Mexico as a political weapon aren't effective?
    then give me an alternative, you clown.
    at least Trump knew that China isn't an ally or friend of the USA.
    China has big ambitions. and do you think they will listen to what the West has to say about them? no. they don't give a fuck.

  • Reply somav8 October 13, 2019 at 3:13 am

    Russia and China together is actually scary.

  • Reply iWill October 13, 2019 at 4:44 am

    China owns Kung Fu Panda?

  • Reply Chaos Knight October 13, 2019 at 7:21 am

    ah democrats clown

  • Reply Godwin Katakiti October 13, 2019 at 1:04 pm

    Check out the color the tire

  • Reply Ladykyra101 October 13, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    LOL!!! The Italian Panda. OMG! ?

    I asked my boss some years ago what capicola was, he told me I was saying it wrong. I told him I was phonetically correct. ?

    He just laughed and laughed. ?

  • Reply Carlos Spiceywhiener October 14, 2019 at 2:47 am

    first off the boat was on autopilot. also its normal for political leaders to spend time together. Trump has spent time with both of them. so what.

  • Reply Sirui Gu October 14, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    This dude is brilliant , I finally take his jokes NOW b4 JS retired

  • Reply Aaron Lopez October 15, 2019 at 1:03 am

    Sounds like a red Dawn scenario

  • Reply Kai Li October 15, 2019 at 4:21 am

    Lmao af

  • Reply SHUAI YUAN October 15, 2019 at 5:54 am

    I love your show bro. So funny. By the way I’m a Chinese man

  • Reply kornei2007 October 15, 2019 at 6:30 am

    fifty shades of Rocky :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  • Reply Lars L October 15, 2019 at 8:47 am

    According to that logic Denmark, (who we all know is the worlds mightiest nation), is an even closer ally considering that Denmark too was gifted too Pandas, without any conditions to have them return once in a while. 😀

  • Reply Chandler Bing October 15, 2019 at 1:02 pm

    看到熊猫我乐了

  • Reply Chandler Bing October 15, 2019 at 1:04 pm

    哈哈哈jack chen也来了哈哈哈

  • Reply Dorito Chips October 16, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    And Mongolia is just in the middle of this……literally

  • Reply Johan Terimakasih October 17, 2019 at 4:42 am

    ? ? ?

  • Reply Maylan Jow October 17, 2019 at 4:52 am

    Xi sent pandas to Russia, sent his daughter to US, means Trump is Xi's true love ?

  • Reply tapiwaah jos October 17, 2019 at 8:25 am

    Don't you think the West's Power in the world is fading?

  • Reply Håkan Lindgren October 17, 2019 at 8:54 am

    Jag känner mig dålig för den stackars Donald; Xi stjäl sin bästa vän.

  • Reply a Ram October 17, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    who says that it wasn t the american ship to approach the ship with sunbathing russians

  • Reply Zatoichiable October 17, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    Sad day for US becoming irrelevant in world politics . . .

  • Reply Cloud Search October 18, 2019 at 4:34 am

    You’re right in bout the Panda’s. San Diego Zoo had to send back the last two Pandas. So I guess Donny boy did get kicked to the curb.

  • Reply 爱钢枪的老硬币 October 18, 2019 at 12:29 pm

    I am a Chinese. To be honest, President Xi's cover is really funny, hahahaha.?

  • Reply G.I. JOE RO October 19, 2019 at 2:19 am

    This is trash bro

  • Reply G.I. JOE RO October 19, 2019 at 2:19 am

    I fucking cannot believe people like this drap

  • Reply philip van October 19, 2019 at 2:40 am

    clown

  • Reply EaST CoAsT MaCHete October 19, 2019 at 2:56 am

    The Russians getting a Sun tan. Lol

  • Reply evan pan October 19, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    这哥们太逗了。哈哈哈哈

  • Reply ReadTheMusic October 19, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    China give panda to philippines yet ph rejected it

  • Reply 皂滑弄人 October 20, 2019 at 9:57 am

    崔娃你真的是666

  • Reply Alter Schwede October 20, 2019 at 3:42 pm

    USA is soon toast, the POTUS45 is already bought from both of them

  • Reply Stefon October 20, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    They should have made the panda have a bad tan! lol

  • Reply jakeith22 October 20, 2019 at 8:16 pm

    Why does anyone listen to this guy about Geo-Politics? The show is on the "Comedy Channel" and this dude doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. I never thought I would miss John Stewart…

  • Reply Arhan Solo October 21, 2019 at 9:09 pm

    Am I the only one who thinks president Xi looks like a cute panda bear? ???

  • Reply abhishek jack October 22, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    Russia and China
    No Rocky V haha yes ur right America ass in danger

  • Reply Lepoon Monomotapa October 23, 2019 at 10:51 am

    "dimitri take off your shirt… we don't want to meet jesus as a pasty bitch" lol

  • Reply Вадим N. October 23, 2019 at 6:33 pm

    Hi everyone, I'm russian and almost all of us hate putin. This hound sold our people who leave in far east regions to comunist chinese unhumans, who torture uygurs, there is a handful of cities in the whole country where one can hardly make 700$. we've lost 70000 manufacturies since 2000 and we've got insane death rate while nurses in regions gain 200$ a month. Can't say i love America, but you'd better apreciate the prosperity you have.

  • Reply Sir Jhonson October 24, 2019 at 2:43 pm

    They just make a show out of it all .Its all fake . Make a good thing out of it.

  • Reply L. A. Gothro October 25, 2019 at 1:18 am

    China and Russia hitting it off? Who the bloody heck'd you think introduced "Communism" to the Chinese in the first place?

  • Reply L. A. Gothro October 25, 2019 at 1:19 am

    Ah, these were the days, eh? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKQcZYTZVmI

  • Reply Drew Smith October 28, 2019 at 2:59 am

    Trevor’s show is so funny had to watch multiple times and still can’t get enough of it lol?

  • Reply feuille santal October 28, 2019 at 7:04 am

    You can't deny that Putin is really charismatic.

  • Reply Drama Freak October 28, 2019 at 7:31 pm

    Bullshit!

  • Reply Noble Wolf October 29, 2019 at 11:03 pm

    That's just how Russian cruise ships look like

  • Reply Scott Dormani October 31, 2019 at 1:08 am

    Gabagool

  • Reply Jet Brown October 31, 2019 at 8:44 pm

    It is not zxi
    It is just xi which sounds totally the same as ‘she ‘ in English, so next time u can just call it ‘she’, the president of China, she is great friend with Putin..
    I am not joking about the pronunciation , u can take my words for it, the correct way of saying it is xi=‘she’.

  • Reply Don’t eat Yellow snow November 2, 2019 at 9:14 am

    7 minutes of SUCK

  • Reply Dabbing Flight November 2, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Who else ships them
    Wtf is wrong with me

  • Reply Dizunn Hew November 6, 2019 at 1:34 am

    I think is the US destroyer who get close to Russian destroyer, I don't believe US..

  • Reply NoMoreTribute 2Rome November 6, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    Holy shit, China doesnt fuck around with their pandas

  • Reply Wang Xu November 7, 2019 at 3:39 am

    订阅了,太搞笑了

  • Reply Lexus Gre Ramirez November 7, 2019 at 11:36 am

    Trumps,so desperate to be friends with Xi and Putin

  • Reply Zexia Li November 7, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Atlanta has 4 pandas

  • Reply Cộng Đảng Bán Nước Giết Dân November 7, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    China owns pandas since ancient time.

  • Reply Jordan Eggerman November 8, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    There's another bear that China seems to care a lot about….. his name is Winnie…

  • Reply 鱼香肉丝 November 9, 2019 at 7:06 am

    ??听不懂你们说的鸟语

  • Reply Thunder Ball November 10, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    China and Russia join together feels like Golden State Warriors after KD Joined

  • Reply qin mike November 11, 2019 at 6:04 am

    中文字幕呢

  • Reply Tharindu Krishan November 11, 2019 at 7:33 am

    "Dimitri take off your shirt"

    ??

  • Reply galapagoensis November 11, 2019 at 3:04 pm

    Do you really think Russia is an ally to anyone? They are just a distraction if you don’t get it then you never will.

    Let me give a you a simple clear example you may not be familiar with.

    Russia and the other western colonialist of the past that remains still pulling the strings, once upon a time came together to bring down China.

    As a matter of fact they attacked all together at the same time from different fronts. Because China wouldn’t be subdued so easily.

    Now, do you think that these French educated Chinese “liberators” that gave China its current body of politics is actually about Chinese identity, patriotism?

    They will be used once again, when the time comes to start the next world war to distract us all and send all our youth to die so they may turn the clock back once again. They will be the enemy. And billions will die.

    The worlds instability is no coincidence; the power structure of China is becoming faulty and that is what is becoming apparent because they can no longer afford to fool their people and their economic “miracles” driven by western investments are just going to see them colapse and war will be the only way out not for them but as an excuse for the west. And there will be blood.

    Mark my words.

  • Reply Ryan lex November 11, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    liberal,marxist are fucked yo AHHAHHAHAAH

  • Reply Captain Traunt November 11, 2019 at 8:07 pm

    Anyone notice how unfunny this guy is

  • Reply 张文轩 November 13, 2019 at 10:09 am

    如果你把美国当做一个公司,全球当作市场,试想为何一个公司会逐步缩小自己的市场占有率?因为这家公司没钱了,换句话说美国穷了。

  • Reply Samson Raj November 13, 2019 at 4:20 pm

    Americans feel so entitled. :/

  • Reply The Gamer November 13, 2019 at 7:40 pm

    Imagine if China and Russia combined armies it will be like fallout 4 's red Chinese

  • Reply KING VICTOR November 14, 2019 at 5:06 am

    You killed 3 of mine at birth

  • Reply 曹博涵 November 14, 2019 at 2:06 pm

    oh man . i love ur show. i am Chinese i usually watch ur show in bilibili . it help me to learn English

  • Reply CYNtiedan November 15, 2019 at 2:37 am

    Ji or Xi?

  • Reply Justin .! November 15, 2019 at 4:25 pm

    China's Ex is bit jealous ??

  • Reply chrischralph2222 November 17, 2019 at 2:14 am

    hey mate USA has done far far worse than any other nation on earth.

  • Reply Decent Mobile Player November 19, 2019 at 1:03 am

    Fine, China won’t give u crap.Good luck on making 80% of the stuff u have

  • Reply mingwei chen November 19, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    果然是著名脱口秀主持人崔娃。黑的有一套

  • Reply Hao Lin November 20, 2019 at 4:29 am

    朕的字幕组在哪里

  • Reply Julian Yeung November 21, 2019 at 3:45 am

    這就是言論自由的核心價值

  • Reply Konstantin Fomichev November 21, 2019 at 10:22 am

    Веселый парень!

  • Reply 李飞扬 November 21, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    秀儿

  • Reply Amy Chen November 22, 2019 at 11:02 pm

    OMG he is so funny

  • Reply David Smith November 26, 2019 at 12:17 pm

    Sorry,china has no interest to control the world, like what we are for over five thousands.

    We are just sleeping away from the world two hundred years ago.
    Why Britain comes to here and invade us for business.

    Now,we do business,and you don't like us because we do business better than you?

    Please don't disturb others,when they are sleeping.

  • Reply Bel la November 26, 2019 at 5:05 pm

    You’re incredible, Trevor! You made my day?

  • Reply vjthemad November 28, 2019 at 8:40 am

    4:50 Trevor you are a fucking genius! LAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  • Reply David White November 28, 2019 at 1:59 pm

    u r jenius

  • Reply E Ng December 1, 2019 at 10:05 am

    Wow Trevor Noah, this episode tops!!

  • Reply 沈子弈 December 1, 2019 at 2:35 pm

    对封面照进来。

  • Reply Jose Grullon December 2, 2019 at 10:33 pm

    So pudding and Winnie the pooh are forming teams xD

  • Reply Deborah Kizito December 3, 2019 at 12:40 am

    China and Russia are teaming up and the US is charging tariffs in order to raise money for arms…

  • Reply Eric Miller December 4, 2019 at 10:53 am

    其实川普是中共地下党。

  • Reply Zhongjiang_Liu December 6, 2019 at 2:11 am

    I'll be honest, he actually hit Trump's voice right on the spot

  • Reply Joseph Luke December 6, 2019 at 8:17 am

    Lmao

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